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Driving down the main street of our little suburb, my small double shot coffee already gone, I stopped at a pedestrian crossing to let a mum with three children on bikes cross. I was battling upper back pain, like every single rib and my spine were pulsing tighter and tighter in pain and a very tight, sore neck after a physiotherapy session stirred it all up, after a big day the day before taking the baby to a fair and after nine long months of being a sleep deprived mama.
A procession of thoughts struck me.
First, that mum, who gave me a big wave and smile to thank me for stopping, looked fresh and full of life. My baby had slept nine hours, through the night, but I hadn’t due to my back and neck. Those kids had a mum who was taking them for a walk at 10 in the morning, when I was so stiff I couldn’t even contemplate that.
The second was about my baby. I feel like he isn’t getting everything he deserves. His mama has very limited energy levels and soon, some of them must be expended on work. I have so many things I want to do with him.
The final, and epiphany level, thought was that I have been resting on my laurels. Yes, I have come a long way since I left full time work, on the brink of falling over. Yes, I cope phenomenally well. But I have only done what is relatively “easy”. Working three quarter time, eating healthily, exercising as best I can, seeing a physiotherapist – these are all easy. Yet I keep ignoring other things to try.
Why, when I feel so dreadful that I want to cry, do I not try meditating or going gluten free or exploring anything else to try?
It took years of fight or flight mode, doing too much, not eating well enough (and genetics) to get me into this mess. It may just take more effort to recover as much as possible.
It’s time to research all other things to try. I tried a very expensive naturopath, from which nothing happened, but I can tick that option off the list. I am currently trying D-Ribose and magnesium supplements. I am waiting to hear from my doctor about the results of a whole lot of blood tests he took last week. I am waiting to be referred to a rheumatologist.
I will keep researching. I will keep fighting on. For my boy. For myself.