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I Don’t Want to Feel Like That

Recently I’ve been called upon to make a big decision, to go to India for two weeks with my husband and not yet two year old baby.

I’ve been asked to explain myself. Told my reasons against going are invalid.PhotoGrid_1445107463651

But I don’t want to feel like that.

I don’t want to be in so much pain that I wonder why I haven’t collapsed, why I’m not in hospital, why no one realises how bad it is.

I don’t want to be so very alone and have no control and feel like that.

I have just pulled myself back from that after pregnancy and the birth of my son. I crawled my way through, existing, waiting for it to get better. For sleep to come, for pain to reduce. And it has just recently become more like a life, not a struggle.

After several awfully unwell years in my early to mid twenties, slogging my way through progressing symptoms, feeling worse and worse, I pulled myself out. But it took two years of working 3/4 time, doing little else, working my way up to tolerating 30 minutes of walking and being able to reduce physio appointments from weekly to three weekly. I can’t go back to feeling like that.

I know in my soul that going on a long plane journey, to a hot, dirty, noisy place where there will be many social expectations and food that will upset my sensitive stomach – right after having people staying in my house for a few weeks and going to the social obligations of a wedding at home – won’t work. Going to a place like that with people who ignore or don’t understand Fibromyalgia is not a good idea.

I don’t want to feel like that, vulnerable, alone, sick, scared and unable to look after my baby.

My baby is my first priority. He doesn’t sit still for more than one word per page books, he needs to run and climb and wriggle. He doesn’t yet understand. When his routine gets upset and he goes to sleep late, he wakes early and has a miserable day after.

I’ve said when he’s 3 we could go, it would still be hard, but by then he’ll have less of a baby routine, he’ll understand and hopefully he’ll sit through a movie!

Just because I have Fibromyalgia, doesn’t mean I should have to feel so miserable, I don’t have to feel so bad that I wish I were not alive, I don’t have to feel like that. That’s what all my experiments have been about.

It’s not acceptable to have to feel like that. And I shouldn’t be forced to be. People in my life should be happy I don’t have to feel like that. And that I know how to avoid it.

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Conquering the Evening

It seems to be generally accepted that babies have kind of witching hour. A period of time in the evening in which they are fussy.

My boy has recently moved in his routine as he approached six months. So the evening has moulded from a mess toward a nice, new routine.

I have been thinking about the things that make the evening nicer…

Change in scene – we have begun going to my bedroom for a while, the late afternoon sun streams in there and he loves practising his rolls on the softer surface. We do lots of laughs and peek-a-boos.

Figure out the milk/food situation – I don’t know about others, but we have been trying to figure out when and how to spread his food and milk so that he is sufficiently full and can sleep from 10-7. Currently, he is having a small bottle at 6 and another at 7, just before bedtime. And a dream feed about 10.

Make the bath a ritual – instead of thinking of the bath as another chore to do, I savour it, as it tends to be his happiest time of the day. We talk and sing our way through the drying and dressing.

Create a nice bedtime routine – we were floating for a while after he cancelled the old system. Now we count about 6.30pm on as wind down time. We do his bath, quietly listen to music, have a bottle, have cuddles. I sing, swaddle him and leave him in bed awake but sleepy.

These have made our evenings infinitely nicer for the last week. I hope he doesn’t change again too soon!

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Busy Day, Sleep At Last

I hit the wall today. I decided I needed to get some things done. So baby must sleep.
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According to my resolution, I have put baby in either the car seat or push chair when he needs sleep, about 9am, and left the house.

This morning he gave up the fight against sleep almost immediately. Unfortunately he didn’t stay asleep long. When we returned home I decided that today would be the day he sleeps, not in my arms. Today I needed to get stuff done.

So I left him in the car seat to watch while I vacuumed. I then fed him and put him in the front pack. He snoozed while I got more things done. I then transfered him to sleep on his tummy, which he has done for 1.5 hours!!

I have finally managed to barge through a to-do list that has been haunting me for weeks. Phew!

Sometimes one just needs to enforce a day at home in order to have the space to make baby sleep. I can almost guarantee he’ll be in a great mood when he wakes. He needs the sleep and is so happy when he looses the fight and falls.

Now I need a rest!