Joy

Just because the things I can do must be smaller, simpler and quieter – it doesn’t mean the joy I experience must diminish.

On the contrary, I think it means that I experience my joy more potently.

I am thankful for more and more aware of my blessings.

I am joyful in the smaller, but by no means less important, things. A hug from my son, a smile from my husband, a helping hand from my brother, a word of kindness…the list goes on.

My hobbies had to become flexible and gentle, but I prioritise them. I always have time to read, write, colour or scrapbook a little.IMG_20160117_092151

I find joy in nature, animals, babies, pretty books, and accomplishments (however small).

Yes, my life must seem smaller to those with normal energy levels. But it is abundantly joy-full (despite the grief and pain and fatigue).

When I chose to focus on what I can do, rather than what I can’t, I am choosing joy. I hope that those in my life, and in yours, see this. I hope they can respect that it’s not always easy. Sometimes we will slip and think of all we wish to do, especially for the sake of those closest to us.

We may not have much choice about the pain and fatigue and symptoms that accompany these, but we can choose joy.

The best, biggest, most beautiful thing our closest people can do is to recognise, witness and support this.

Week 31

Giant…I feel like a giant! I don’t know how I have nine more weeks in which to grow!

Baby likes to keep to the right, which is putting considerable strain on my right, mid-back. He is also moving a lot, which can hurt, especially when he gets my ribs with those tiny feet!

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I am feeling a real urge to get his room ready and his things prepared. I am very uncomfortable with the fact that we are not ready…even though I know we have some time.

I am getting very tired and sore. The pain is making it hard to sleep. My husband has been excellent with firm massages to free up my lower back, but I am experiencing pain in my back almost constantly. When I can manage a few hours in a row of sleep, I feel so much better for it the next day. So there’s my survival goal when baby comes – do everything I can to maximize my chances of three hour blocks!

In amongst all of the pain and fatigue and angst, there is also this pervading sense of joy. This is my tiny baby. My son. When he kicks at me, with one foot at a time, and I can distinguish it is one little limb, I experience such a surge of peace and happiness. I imagine what it will be like to see his baby feet. I imagine what it will be like to get to hold him on the outside, where it will be far more comfortable!

It’s getting scary and it’s getting exciting. It’s a pretty profound, life-changing experience.

This is a pregnancy diary from my first pregnancy in 2013/14. For my most recent pregnancy diaries and my pregnancy resources see here.