I got a bit lost.
It started with visiting a naturopath who claimed I’d be pain-free after six weeks of taking a mix of “tonics” that basically consisted of calcium, iron and magnesium. And, although these are things that are useful for me, they didn’t contribute to any improvement.
Unfazed, she prescribed another six supplements to take for my cure. So I am currently taking several tablets at every meal.
This has cost a lot of money.
Concurrently, my new physiotherapist has posited a theory that my pain is caused by my shoulder.
My little heart has been on a roller coaster. I have become quite sad, wishing with all my heart that the diagnosis of fibromyalgia was incorrect, that I can be fixed with supplements or an injury can be found and fixed.
I have struggled even more with the pain. And the fatigue.
I have been grieving daily about the lack of energy I have for my boy. That travel is more scary than exciting. That work is a big, scary monster to take me away from my boy and decrease my energy levels and increase my pain. That I can’t fathom another child or do all the things my husband would love to do.
I feel like I’m letting myself down and my husband and baby. By not being well.
This week I’ve been looking after a couple of school aged children and it’s frightened me how quickly they impacted my fatigue levels. On the first afternoon my fatigue dramatically increased. I’ve had such a sore neck, despite a physio session on Saturday, that I’ve had headaches for three days. My neck’s been so sore that I am struggling to fall asleep. I’ve taken medicine two days in a row, and I hate taking it.
So I haven’t written. Because how can you give tips to cope when you’re only just scraping by?
One of the struggles of Fibromyalgia that tends to stick with me, are the times when my brain is willing but my body is not. Patience is not easy to cultivate. Especially when you know that the fog caused by the pain and fatigue can be waiting to take you out next.
I have so much I want to achieve and so little means!
As I near the end of my pregnancy, I have had to reduce my activities and increase my resting. Not so much by choice, my back has made it near impossible to keep going.
For now we are in a waiting game. I have been plagued by period-like pains in my lower back and have had some spotting in the past couple of days. I don’t feel like doing anything, but resting is frustrating.
I have finished washing the tiny baby clothes for him to wear immediately, made his bed and bought the last of the essential items.
Now baby is welcome any time!
This is a pregnancy diary from my first pregnancy in 2013/14. For my most recent pregnancy diaries and my pregnancy resources see here.
So far, I have been feeling justified when I have had pain or fatigue that is considered “normal” in pregnancy. When my husband (inevitably) does not understand the effect of the pain, the fatigue and the ongoing nights of no more than one or two hours of sleep at a time, I feel ok to say it is a pregnancy thing.
But I imagine, the fact that, at 33 weeks I am struggling so much has to be a combination of my chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia and my pregnancy. My back is so sore that I can’t sit for long periods of time (read: more than 10 minutes). I am so fatigued and frazzled that I am finding it hard to regulate my emotions. My feet, legs, glutes, back, shoulders and neck are so sore that I burst into tears at times – something I have managed to keep mostly hidden from the people around me.
Even things that are “normal” for pregnant people or “normal” for my previous life and preferences are hard for my husband, in particular, to understand. Why don’t I love having several people over for dinner (when I am spending the whole preparation time trying to stand from side to side to give my feet or glutes a break and when I am spending the whole time they are there trying not to cry from having to sit up and desperately wishing for bed)? Why don’t I love going out after 7pm at night (with the same conditions as above)?
That’s been a real culture shock in adjusting to marriage. Previously, I would go out once or twice a week in the evenings. As a pregnant woman I would prefer never to be out after 5pm! I would prefer to work, rest, walk the dog, cook dinner, have a bath and then lie on the couch with a book or the TV. Whereas my husband loves to go out and have people over (and his family and friends tend to eat dinner between 8 and 9pm!).
Despite the consistent pain and fatigue, I am managing to find joy in my baby and his movements. We have put up the cot and change table and his room is starting to take shape! I am shifting from reading about pregnancy to reading about having a baby, but I actually think I might switch to non-baby related books altogether – my brain needs a break!
You would be forgiven if you think this sounds a little negative, but to write this down actually goes a little way towards helping me cope.
Seven weeks to go!